The ugly truths of #Vanlife
Updated: Jan 31, 2020
Hello folks and welcome back to my blog!
Today we are talking all about #vanlife, a new and upcoming lifestyle that is slowly taking over almost every social media platform. For those of you who don't follow my journey on Instagram, you will probably not know that James and I have been living in our little van for just over 2 months now. When we arrived in Cairns we purchased a second hand converted Mitsubishi L300 van so we could blissfully drive down the East Coast of Australia and have the best time of our lives. It wasn't all plain sailing, so now that our awesome roadtrip is over I decided to compile a short, light-hearted post of the ugly truths behind #vanlife. Enjoy!
*Please note I will also be releasing a more serious series of posts regarding short-term vanlife*
You are living in a human sized fart hotbox
Particularly if you are 'unlucky' enough to be travelling with a boy who loves to do silent yet deadly stinkers. A smelly fart in a small, compact campervan with no windows open is possibly the worst thing ever in the whole world, and it happens a lot. If you have yet to experience this atrocious crime, you have yet to learn what real pain feels like.
You will be caught squatting more than once
Sometimes toilets are available, or sometime you just don't want to submit yourself to the stank they hold. Whatever it is, you will be caught squatting (ladies of course), probably more than once. But hey! At least you probably won't ever see the witness again?!
The worlds most disgusting toilets will be an everyday stop
In all honesty, most of the aussie public toilets I have been to have been exceptionally clean and delightful. However...there are some that are, lets just say, not so 'delightful'. If you have ever heard of a pit toilet, you will know what I mean. A pit toilet it, well, a pit. You open that toilet lid and the gates of poopy hell await you. DO NOT LOOK INSIDE, you will be scarred for life. These kinds of toilets are my least favourite. They may be clean and pleasant, but as soon as you open that lid to do your business...THE SMELL. It is enough to kill you. Well not really but you catch my drift.
2 minute noodles never tasted so good
If you aren't cool enough to have an in-car fridge, then this one is more relevant. It is hard to keep fresh food fresh without a fridge, so more likely than not it will become far easier to resort to the classic 'backpacker food', 2 minute noodles. But then again, at 99c for 5 packets of noodley goodness, you can't really go wrong!
Showers will become a valuable and rare treat
When I am at home, I shower almost everyday. There really isn't anything as good as a hot shower. Since living in the van, a shower is a rare treat...often very rare. Now, think about how good a nice hot shower is at home and multiply that by a million. THAT is how good a hot shower feels after a rather unholy time without one. Be warned, once you step into that shower you won't ever want to return.
You can wear your pants inside out, right?
I will happily admit it has not quite come to this for myself, but it has been close. Washing machines don't grow on trees, and the ones at campsites are always an absolute rip off. Waiting to pay for a full load of washing means you have to make sacrifices, and if that means wearing your pants inside out to save $5 on a half empty load of washing then it must be done.
Every empty rest area will bring on Wolf Creek fears
Particularly if you are travelling out of season, like we are. We have subjected ourselves to many nights deep in the woods at a otherwise beautiful free campsite...until it gets dark and you realise you're all alone in the woods with no phone reception and there is almost definitely someone coming to kill you because you are a backpacker and you watched Wolf Creek one too many time.
You (may) become a cynical old twat Maybe this doesn't happen to everyone, but vanlife has aged James and I by around 20 years. It's when you find yourself tucked up in bed at 8pm on a Saturday night binge watching Game of Thrones with unlimited snacks, when you grudge all the noisy people outside having fun and when you get irritated by the (not even that loud) loud music from nearby clubs that you realise there's something seriously wrong.
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